Tales from the Query Processor III

https://www.flickr.com/photos/socal_jim/2070088596/

Hello Dear Reader!  It’s that time of year again.  The leaves are turning, temperatures are changing, and Halloween is once again upon us.  Today is Halloween, time to take the kiddos out to Trick-or-Treat!  Today is also my daughter’s 16^th birthday!  It’s hard to believe that it has come so quickly!  Happy 16^th Birthday Chesney!

This is also the time of year when we embrace the suspension of disbelief, and have a tale of terror from the Query Processor.  If you want to see the previous tales, here is Tales from the Query Processor and Tales from the Query Processor II.  I hope you enjoy.

The Plan that Will Not End

Q.P.

If I had known this was the last time that I would ever see Sid I would have given him better advice.  Maybe I would have given him something at all.  Something better than the flashlight and the map.

Let me start over.  I don’t know that he’s dead.  We haven’t seen him in 4 days.  Most trips take seconds, long one’s minutes, very long one’s hours.  No one has ever been gone this long.  No one has stepped up to take his place, a good indication that he might not be dead.  Nobody is looking for him, at least not that I can see.  As we stood there on that dark night, it seemed simple.  So very, very simple.  When I don’t know something I have to guess. Sometimes my perspective is obstructed.  My view isn’t sufficient.  I always guess the same thing.  One.  That’s my number.

 

We’d all done it before.  We’ll I hadn’t.  Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself.  My friends call me Q.P.  I’m the map maker.  I make a map of a place, tell people where to get things.  It may sound simple, but its not.  I don’t do point A to point B.  I estimate proximities, how long something should take, the best route, what to do under specific conditions. I guessed one.  Should I not have guessed one?  There’s load, location, and the gateway that should be used. 

The Gateway.  It’s a special threshold that we have to pass through.  It ensures that we are ready for the load about to be placed on us.  Sid went through the biggest Gateway there was.  It stopped him at first.  Took us a couple hours to get everything calibrated correctly.  The map was a long one.  If my normal plans are a between 2 to 5 in difficulty, this plan was an 800.  We knew that going in.  That’s why he went through the Big Gateway.  Waiting for him to return, I can only imagine what’s going on.  Was there more than one?

SID

Hello my name is Sid.  I don’t know how long I’ve been gone, but here’s what I can tell you.  I’ve been running.  Since I passed through that last gateway and received my grant I ran.  I ran straight into this nightmare.

I turn down one corridor and it leads to five more.  Sometimes a hundred more.  Sometimes thousands more.  Behind every door there is more and more to grab, more to strike, so much more.  This plan is useless at this point.  I don’t know what Q.P. was thinking.  I’ve been hacking and slashing my way through this mess.  I’m exhausted, but I can’t stop now.  I’ve got to keep running.

http://taodao.deviantart.com/art/Running-Zombies-405296478

Last night I stopped for a moment, went serial and just focused on one thing.  Thought I could get a bit of a rest, but I turned a corner.  Where there should have been one there was one.  One million of them.  I’ve never seen a horde of so many Zombie records.  Yes I’m supposed to return with 300.  But nobody told me how many I would have to fight off to get there.  Simple run.  Heh. That wasn’t the first million that I’ve faced either.

I only got 120 with me so far. 120 out of 300.  I’m trying to put together some actual numbers.  If I make it out of this, we need to know what the difference is.  Something went horribly wrong with this plan.  No backup is coming, and if I’m lucky we won’t be swallowed here. 

The first 5 that I got came along easily.  Everything was good.  Three steps out on the plan things started going sideways.  We went to a simple structure.  One record inside, the plan said.  We walked in and looked around.  We heard them before we saw them.  There was a low moan that started traveling like an echo.  This was not an echo.  Echo’s don’t respond to one another.  Before long it was reverberating and echoing.  We could see the first movement in the darkness.  We were not prepared for this, so we ran.

We circled back.  That structure had a basement, a lower level, a parking garage, and a sub structure.  Our only choice was to run them.  They followed us down the loop, into the parking structure.  They are not smart, if there is no match to guide their way they will spill out of the darkness like a thousand scurrying insects in every direction.  We made it to the edge and climbed up.  They spilled over the edge like a dark waterfall.  There were no screams, no help me I’m falling, just that moan and the sound of impact.  We circled back down looking for survivors only to pick up more.  There are no weapons around us.  We have no choice but to keep running as our only offense.  We did the same thing, over and over again.

The only thing the map gives us is a view of the structure.  I think there is a better way to do this, but I don’t know how to edit the plan.  Not when we have to keep running.  It took us hours to find the next 3.  Hours for 3.  We were lucky not to be killed.  We’ve cleared 100 structures at this point, 200 remain.  We’ve got to find the rest and get them out.  Almost halfway done.  Don’t get killed.

I hear them now.  I have to run.

-Sid

Happy Halloween Dear Reader!  As always Thanks for stopping by.

Thanks,

Brad

I'm an MVP

Hello Dear Reader!  Two weeks ago I was very honored to be named a Microsoft SQL Server MVP.  Since then I've been reflecting on what it means to get this award and the massive amount of people that helped me along the way.

Family, co-workers, friends, community members, and other MVP's.  This could turn into an Emmy speech, but I won't put you through that.  In the past I've written about this and saying Thank You to the People That Get Us There, about Why You Should Go to SQL Saturday and the impact it had on me, and how Who You Work With helps push you in the right direction.  Before I move on from thanking people I need to say a big THANK YOU to the people who nominated me.

Mike Walsh (Blog | @Mike_Walsh), Jack Corbett (Blog | @Unclebiguns), Jorge Segarra (Blog | @SQLChicken), Adam Jorgensen (Blog | @AJBigData), and Jason Strate (Blog | @StrateSQL).  Gentlemen I thank you not only for nominating me, but giving me a seat at the table to begin with.  Through advice and conversations you immediately welcomed me.  I've always been humbled by the way in which smart men and women of the SQL Community open their arms not only to greet but assure newcomers that they deserve a voice and a seat at the table.   My friends Thank You.  Thank you for your faith in me.  Thank you for helping me get here, and for all the encouragement.

Jorge once said to me about three years ago, "You deserve a seat at this table, enjoy it and don't ever worry that you belong.".  Great and kind words my friend.

Now Dear Reader, I also want to pass along one incredibly important piece of advice that was given to me.  How to become a SQL Server MVP.


HOW TO BECOME A SQL SERVER MVP


I have no idea.   None.  Not a clue.  In conversations with all of these amazing folks, they had no idea either.  However, I did notice that I heard the same three pieces of advice repeated over and over again.

That feeling you get when you open the box

1.  Love what you do.

2.  Don't treat being an MVP as a goal, but something that happens along the way.

3.  When you get nominated fill out the website details, better start collecting them now.


LOVE WHAT YOU DO


I enjoy this.  I love presenting.  I love learning.  I love talking with people about their issues with SQL Server.  I really love when I know what's wrong with a system and can help fix it.  I've had telephone calls with clients in the past couple years where after hearing about five minutes of their problem I knew what the issue was.  I could start giving advice on the phone call, and by the time we were sharing screens or I was landing on the ground we were able to start working on a fix.  That is pure awesome.


Some people love to blog, some love volunteering, some are leaders that bring us together, some organize, some  troubleshoot on forums, some program amazing applications/scripts/videos to help the community, and some love to speak.  Whatever you are doing if you love doing it, then keep doing it.  You'll never feel like you wasted your time, and you will know you are doing things for the right reason.


IT'S NOT THE GOAL, IT'S THE JOURNEY

San Francisco Sunset with @JasonHorner

I'm paraphrasing Emerson.  It's no less true.  If I only get this one year, if I never would have gotten it, the journey of pursuing what I love to do has taken me places and allowed me to achieve things I had not even thought of.  I've criss crossed the U.S. this year and I'm looking forward to staying busy next year.

Keep in mind this didn't happen in one year.  Every journey begins with a step.  I encourage you to start your journey.  When I present at SQL Saturday's or SSUG's I tell the audience the same thing I hope you now hear Dear Reader.

In each of you there is a story to tell.  There is something you are doing right now at work that I, and other people, would love to know and hear about.  There are ideas you have that would be well received and applauded.  Get involved, volunteer, blog, present, find what it is that you want to do.  We all have a calling and I hope you find yours.  If I can do this so can you.

Remember, you deserve a seat at this table, enjoy it and don't ever worry that you belong.

Now grab your seat, let's have some fun.  As always Thanks for stopping by.


Thanks,

Brad